To be in this world.
I don’t seem to understand
even when apparently unfurled.
And when I build up enough strength to keep putting myself out there, things end up falling apart, which results in me falling apart.
That was this week.
I put the new business out there into the stoopid machine and that became too much for me- I felt judged and juried, critiqued and quartered and beyond most I felt like I was just producing to produce, versus just being authentically me. But I’m at this crossroads where I want a job-and ideally one where I don’t feel like I have to sell my spirit and soul, because well we all know what happens when that happens….
Anyway I am falling apart again and again and again and I keep thinking I’ll get up this time and stay there. But I never do. I’m beginning to think I won’t. This damn melancholic temperament of mine.
The crows are here for breakfast and I have no crumbs, sad face. I hope they understand.
The one bright side to this is at least this is October and people will hopefully just think it’s part of my costume (pictures of that pending).
And worst of all, when gifts of spirit arrive, half the time maybe more, I don’t know what to do with them or how to fit them in. It’s like getting a pedal to a bicycle and not having ever seen a bicycle. Am I supposed to just hold onto it and keep it safe until I see the big picture and then hope I can collect all the pieces and try to put it all together without instruction? Or do I just let it go and hope that it helps someone else who wants, needs and knows how to attach the pedal to their pieces?
As I often say I never seem to run out of questions.
Sigh, deeper sigh
So many pieces to a puzzle I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just not supposed to play.
And I miss my poetry. Hoping to get back to that and do some slower stitching. Today’s long ramble was an attempt at that,
but as you can well see,
Thank you again, even if this is just words through wires.